Sexual Affairs

There was a lady that lived in Georgia who’d come around Sobrenity when she was in Tampa visiting her daughter.  They called her Georgia Ann.  I heard she moved to North Carolina. I wonder if they still call her Georgia Ann? It’d be a shame if a person had to change their name just ’cause they moved.

When the topic was Comparing vs. Relating she would say: “My name’s Ann and I’m addicted to ever damn thing. My first 6 months in this program I drank out of a Dog Dish ’cause I weren’t fit fer nothin’ else. Cudent hold a cup still, enyway. When I came in this program in 1974 there was wimmen sayin’ they’d sold their BAWDIES to buy Drugs! I’d NEVER done that! …hell, I was too busy givin’ it away… I din’t know you could SELL it!”

That got me on a train of thought.  First I realized that the major difference between a “Crack Whore” and a “Drunken Slut” was that a crack whore has better business sense.

Next, I realized that I was indeed a drunken slut.  In fact, that’s what brought me into A.A., indirectly.  I realized that I was drinking way too much to be an effective slut.  In fact, during the last month of my drinking I had 2 separate women, on 2 separate occasions, in 2 separate bars say the same thing: “If you don’t get help at Charter, get help somewhere!“.  I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why they were saying that to me.  Couldn’t they see I was just a party guy?

People have said in meetings: “All you have to change is Everything!“.

I want to ask them: “So… were you gay before, and now you’re straight? Or were you heterosexual before, and now you’re a homo? I mean, Everything means Everything, boss.  Which is it?

You don’t have to change everything, but I found that I did, in fact, have to put nearly everything on the table, including my sexual affairs.

I went out with a girl not long ago, didn’t know her that well but she seemed like a lot of fun.  She suggested a restaurant.  As the hostess brought us to the table, we passed the bar area. She seemed to know them all, everyone smiled at her, called to her and gave a friendly wave… I had the strange feeling that I was the only person in the restaurant who hadn’t seen my date naked.

I’d never been to the restaurant before, so when the waiter came for our order I asked him what he recommended.  He said: “Pull her hair when she starts making small animal noises.”

I tipped him generously after dinner.  And asked him to make sure she got home.

When I thought about it later I realized she hadn’t done anything wrong.  There was probably nothing tawdry about her.  She just looked at a situation and said: “Hey, that looks like fun!“.  Nothing wrong with that, is there?  And she did that a lot of times, with a lot of people.  Is there anything wrong with that?

But at some point — merely through repetition — she had nothing “special” left to give.  Is that important?  Isn’t that what makes climbing Mount Everest or sailing around the world alone more impressive than going to the mall?  Being a member of an exclusive club?  Having to put in some effort to be worthy…

When I was young they told me that if I had sex with lots of women I’d be cool.  As the number of my  “Conquests” — or encounters — grew, I found that the last one didn’t make me feel better.  Sometimes it made me feel worse.  I’d be sitting around — kind of emotionally empty —  having a conversation with my low self-esteem and I’d think: “I know what would make me feel better about myself! I’ll go get laid!” But afterwards I’d feel kind of hollow.  Empty.  That wasn’t what I’d signed on for.

Will I feel more fulfilled if I have fewer — but more meaningful — affairs than many meaningless ones?

I’m not the guy with the answers.  I’m the guy with the questions.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Now about sex. Many of needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It’s so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes — absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation.

Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn’t the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. What can we do about them?

We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test – was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.

Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.

Alcoholics Anonymous pg 69

This entry was posted in A.A. Characters, Big Book, Sex, Unfounded Personal Opinions. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Sexual Affairs

  1. Hhmmmmmmmmmm. Interesting take on a subject I think of a LOT. But now, after reading this, I may just concentrate on some other things in my life. I never got the chance to be a slut, I have always been married. And as faithful as one of my dogs. Maybe that is not such a bad thing, even if I thought I wanted to be a sober sex slut. I have not been. As long as it will still work, and not spoil…..good stuff here J.T……Thank you.

  2. AsJimSeesIt says:

    You’ve got something special to give. I can assure you, it won’t spoil. As I told you in person, the worst sex I ever had was… AWESOME! The worst it will be is awesome!

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